


Plain White or Three Hole Punched

by krabapple



Category: Doctor Who (2005), The Office (US)
Genre: Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-10
Updated: 2011-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:46:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabapple/pseuds/krabapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dunder Mifflin hires a new consultant and his assistant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plain White or Three Hole Punched

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Rose." Rose almost immediately holds the top of the phone away from her ear. The vague sound of a voice can be heard squawking through the speaker. Rose rolls her eyes a bit and then turns over her next card in the solitaire game up on her desktop. Occasionally she makes noises into her end of the phone that are supposed to indicate that she is listening to the caller. "Mmmms" and "Uh-huhs" pepper Rose's end of the call until she finally gives up and snaps her fingers to get the Doctor's attention in his office. His head pops up from where he is frantically using an old-fashioned adding machine – the tape is trailing off his desk and curled up on the floor like a nest of rattlesnakes. The Doctor nods and gestures with his hand in a "bring it on" motion.

"Listen, Michael, I'm going to transfer you now, okay?" Rose says. "It was good to hear your voice." Rose hits the Doctor's extension and the transfer button and hangs up. She is so losing this round of solitaire.

***

"He always says, 'That's what she said.'" Rose tells the cameramen and the interviewer in her next confessional. "I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Is it an American thing?"

***

"So, yeah, Dunder Mifflin hired this consultant to oversee the northeast branch merger," Karen says. "Some guy who insists that we call him Doctor. Like having a Ph.D. is so important in the paper business. I mean, the guy wears sneakers with his suit. And then there's his assistant – he brought her with him from England. Someone needs to teach that girl how to wear mascara. She looks like a raccoon." Karen shrugs.

"Have I mentioned that I've been thinking lately about going to graduate school?"

***

"The Doctor. Yeah." Jim pauses. "He's a cool guy. A little interesting." Jim tilts his head. "Not on the level of Dwight Schrute interesting. But sort of on the same level as Michael Scott interesting. Except . . . somehow less crazy but more intense, if that makes sense." Jim pauses again. "I think there could be drugs involved."

***

"Let me tell you, this early twenty-first century stuff is fascinating. Like those adding machines. Precursors to the intraflight navigational system. Fantastic," the Doctor says.

"Paper company. I love working for this company. Except, you know, you people really should stop using trees for paper. They're on their way to being sentient. Though I suppose you don't really work out the synthetic chemical paper compound for another eighty five years or so. Still. It's such a waste. But you'll get there." The Doctor pauses.

"Paper. Fascinating," the Doctor repeats.

***

Rose is perched on the edge of the Doctor's desk, a legal pad full of scribbled notes she's to type up for the first meeting with the Scranton branch tomorrow in her hand.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor looks up from the game of Doom that's running on his computer. "Yes, Rose?"

"It's not that I don't like the . . . more peaceful bits of our adventures . . ." she starts.

"The boring bits, you mean," the Doctor says, taking his specs off.

"Traveling with you is never boring," Rose says, and she and the Doctor share broad, conspiratorial grins.

"I'm flattered," the Doctor says.

"But. Scranton?" Rose blurts out.

"Scranton is very exciting."

"Do you even know where Scranton is?"

"Yes."

Rose looks at him.

"That reminds me. We're going to need directions for the trip down tomorrow."

Rose sighs.

"Now Rose, this could be the start of an amazing adventure."

"Yeah, an amazing adventure to bumfu –"

"Rose, such language!"

"Right. You and your virgin ears."

"I thought we had that conversation already," the Doctor says.

Rose smiles. "Paper? Really?" she asks.

"I hear there's a Chili's in Scranton," the Doctor grins.

***

"I can call Pam and get the directions," Rose says. "That's no problem. Pam's very nice." Rose stops. "I think she may be the only sane person in this place. Except for Jim. He's a good guy. Karen would be okay, if she didn't hate my makeup." Rose pauses, thinking. "I think I liked working in the shop better."

***

"So, tomorrow a few of us and Jan are going to Scranton to have a big meeting to iron out some of the details of the merger," Jim explains. "It should be interesting. I'll be in a car for almost four hours with Rose, the Doctor, and Karen. Okay, not interesting, maybe boring. Or completely insane, in which case I hope not to have to bail from the car as it's still moving. That could hurt, potentially."

"I, you know, I'm looking forward to seeing the gang in Scranton again. Michael, Dwight, Stanley. Toby. Toby's great. I think he'll be in the meeting, too. Yeah, seeing the Scranton folks again. Good times."

"I'm going to bring coffee for us before we go. Make sure they put some extra shots in the Doctor's coffee. I want to see that guy on caffeine. I'm fairly sure there could be an explosion of some kind."

***

They end up having to rent a car the next morning, since neither the Doctor nor Rose has one, and Jim's is too small. Karen could have brought hers, it's big enough, but the Doctor insisted on driving.

Fifteen minutes after Hertz pulls up with their Ford Taurus, the party is situated inside the car, the Doctor and Rose in the front, with Jim and Karen in the back.

Thirty minutes later, they're still sitting in the parking lot of the Stamford branch. The Doctor has been fiddling with buttons the entire time, and Karen is starting to look alarmed, though Jim looks amused.

"Doctor," Rose leans over, whispering. "Do you even know how to drive a car?"

"Of course I do, Rose," the Doctor replies, also whispering. "I mean, I fly a spaceship that can travel through time and space. How hard can this be?"

Rose pulls back, and looks over her shoulder at Jim.

Jim nods. "I got it," he says, popping his door open.

***

"Apparently, the effect coffee has on the Doctor is that we have to stop. A lot." Jim looks over his shoulder at the southern New Jersey rest stop that's framing him from behind.

***

"Doctor, are you okay?" Rose asks quietly, knocking on the men's room door.

The door opens and the Doctor comes out, tie slightly askew but looking none the worse for wear. His hair stands up a bit where he runs a hand through it.

"Tea. Haven't these people ever heard of tea? A nice, calming cup of tea," he says.

"You drink all sorts of things all the time," Rose points out as they walk back toward the rental car.

"True. But that wasn't just a cup of coffee. That was enough espresso to light up northern Fatuia for six months. I've got a very delicate circulatory system, Rose. I'm not just beating out a samba; it's a damn jitterbug in there."

Rose's eyebrows knit together. "You're not going to . . . I dunno, have heart attacks or something?"

The Doctor shakes his head, and Rose visibly relaxes. "No, but Jim Halpert may find a mickey in his drink sometime soon."

"Doctor –"

"Relax, Rose. I'll be gentle." The Doctor winks and opens the car door for her while she shakes her head.

***

"I'm excited to see the Stamford people today," Pam says, sitting in the Dunder Mifflin Scranton conference room. "I've talked to Rose a lot on the phone, and she seems nice. And the Doctor." Pam pauses. "The Doctor seems nice, too. He keeps asking me how my knitting is going, which is sort of odd, but I guess it's nice that he takes an interest." The furrow eases out of Pam's forehead and she smiles.

"And it'll be good to see Jim again," she says.

"Plus, Dwight's gone a little crazier than usual about the fact that Jim's going to be the number two guy now, so that should be fun to watch." Pam nods. "Yeah. I'm hoping Dwight doesn't challenge Jim to some karate fight or something." Pam pauses. "Okay, I'm sort of hoping Dwight does do that. Because, well. Things have been a little boring around here since Jim left."

***

Michael straightens the few papers on his desk. "So, Dunder Mifflin Scranton is going to be the main branch for northeast operations. The only branch for northeast operations, so. Yeah, we've got a big job to do. But I trust that we can do it. See, when you fight for your people, they respect that. They come through for you. We'll show Stamford just what we're made of. Steel, that's what we're made of. No, iron. No – wait, which is stronger, steel or iron?

Michael shakes his head. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Stamford doesn't stand a chance. Which we all know since their branch is closing. Ha!" Michael laughs, then sobers quickly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sure it's terrible for them. It would have been terrible for us, so I know how they must feel."

"I'm just glad that Jan has the confidence that our little Scranton branch can handle the responsibility. I like responsibility. Commitment. I'm a commitment kind of guy. I think that Jan should know that since we, well. We were committed for a while. Almost."

"Being committed, that's what Michael Scott is striving for."

***

"Jim thinks he's going to be the number two guy around here, but he's wrong. I don't care what corporate says, or what Jan says, but no one has the loyalty to Michael that I do, and that's what's going to carry this branch into the new era. Michael doesn't care what it says on paper, Michael cares about what's in his heart, and in his heart Michael Scott knows that no one but Dwight Schrute has his back."

Dwight nods.

"We hugged it out, it's all good."

***

Despite the delays caused by the Doctor's overactive circulatory system, the Stamford team still makes it to Scranton five minutes ahead of schedule, though Jan's car is already in the parking lot.

Jim sighs and takes a deep breath as he gets out of the car. Rose pats him on the back and smiles. He returns her smile as they head into the building.

The Doctor squeezes in between Jim and Rose as they board the elevator, and Rose and the Doctor end up at the back. "Don't even think about going domestic," he whispers in her ear.

"What? You're insane," Rose whispers back.

"I saw that look."

"He's just a sweet guy, that's all. And he's nervous about coming back here."

"Right."

"If you must know, I think he has a thing for Pam," Rose says.

"How would you know?"

"I eat lunch with him. I listen."

"Huh," the Doctor says. "Lunch."

"Lunch," Rose repeats.

There's silence for a minute before the Doctor says, "Oh. _Pam_."

Rose turns a look on him. "What about her?"

"Nothing," the Doctor says, but he has on that thousand watt grin that Rose knows means trouble.

The elevator announces their arrival on the Dunder Mifflin floor with a bing, and the party exits the elevator.

***

They arrive to find a pretty brunette behind the reception desk who lights up when they enter. She gets up from the desk and circles it, coming around to say hello to Jim and give him a big hug.

Rose gives the Doctor a significant look. The Doctor rolls his eyes at her and grins.

Jim introduces them all to the brunette who, predictably, turns out to be Pam Beesley.

She smiles graciously at everyone. "I'll let Michael and Jan know you're here. I think it might be a few minutes, though. Jan's run into a little . . . snag."

From Michael's office, a rather loud voice says, "But I'm the Assistant Regional Manager!"

Jim and Pam exchange a look. Pam looks down at the ground and tries not to laugh.

Jan's voice quickly follows. "Michael had no authority to give you that promotion, if it can even be called that. It's just a title on paper only. And even if it were a real promotion, which it wasn't, due to the restructuring it's no longer relevant. Michael is." Jan pauses here, as if the words are stuck. She clears her throat. "Michael is the Regional Director of Dunder Mifflin Northeast. And Jim is now the Associate Director of Sales and Marketing of Dunder Mifflin Northeast. You are a salesman, Dwight. We value you as an asset to this company, but you're in the sales department."

"Can I be Manager of Sales?"

"No."

"What about Head Salesman?"

"No, Dwight."

"You're going to need my assistance in this meeting."

"No, Dwight, we won't."

"But –"

"You'll be informed of the changes along with the rest of the staff as they become more official. I'm sure that will be sufficient."

Jan opens the door to Michael's office.

"Ah, I see our team from Stamford has made it. Welcome." Jan looks just a wee bit flustered. "Shall we go to the conference room?"

Jim and Pam exchange a brief wave goodbye as Jim and Karen start to follow Jan into the conference room.

The man who can only be Dwight emerges from Michael's office behind Jan. "I was the top selling salesman last year!" he says. He looks at the Doctor and Rose and gives them a brief, military like nod.

Rose watches him march over to his desk and start typing furiously. "Are you sure he's not an alien?" she asks.

The Doctor shakes his head. "Not an alien. Fully human, that one. Strange, but human." He pauses. "Well, maybe not _fully_ human. Those Germans had some pretty interesting alien encounters in the twenties. Do you know if he likes beets?"

Rose shrugs. "I don't know."

"Hmmm. Visewoths who came to earth during that time used them as fuel. It's been traditional in their mixed offspring to grow them ever since." The Doctor shrugs. "Gotta love tradition."

***

Rose and the Doctor enter the conference room right behind Michael, who extends his hand to the Doctor.

"Doctor, Doctor, give me the news. I've got a bad case of loving you." Michael laughs. "Well. Not you, of course. The girl in the song. But." Michael laughs again. "You get the idea."

Michael turns to shake hands with Rose. "And this must be Rose, pretty as a flower. Bet you never get tired of hearing that."

Rose puts on a huge, and utterly fake, smile. "No, never do."

"Michael, do you think we can get started?" Jan asks from where she's already sitting at the head of the conference table.

"That's what she said!" Michael laughs. Jim, to his credit, groans and actually blushes. Jan just glares.

Michael looks somewhat abashed under Jan's look. "Yes, of course we can, Jan. Very important business to discuss."

Rose and the Doctor circle around to sit at the far end of the table. Rose leans close to the Doctor as they walk. "Are you sure _he's_ not an alien?"

"That one, I'm positive about. Only a human could be that, well . . . _human_."

They sit next to each other, though the Doctor takes a seat next to another blonde with her hair pulled back in a severe ponytail.

"Whoa," he says, as he sits down. "You've got some . . . well, your energy. Well. I mean. I've met Daleks who seem less uptight than you."

"I'm Angela, head of accounting. I'll be the senior accountant for the northeast region. I don't know what a Dalek is, but I'm sure they're nothing but unfortunate degenerates."

"Well, you've got a point there," the Doctor agrees with a tilt of his head and a raise of his eyebrows.

"First of all, I'd like to welcome you all to this meeting," Jan begins. "We're about to go through some significant changes at Dunder Mifflin, and this is the team we hope will help us weather the storm and bring up our profitability and ability to keep pace with our competitors. As you know, our industry and companies like ours are taking a major hit from direct-to-consumer outlets like Staples and Office Depot –"

"Staples?" the Doctor asks.

"Of course. They've taken away nearly forty percent of our market share already . . ."

The Doctor leans forward. "Staples?"

The rest of the room looks at the Doctor as if he's suddenly grown two heads, including Rose.

"How long have they been in operation?" the Doctor asks.

"Since 1986, I believe," Jan answers.

The Doctor sits back in his chair, looking thoughtful. There's a long moment of silence.

"Doctor, can I ask what that has to do with the creation of Dunder Mifflin Northeast and our business plan moving forward?" Jan asks.

The Doctor shakes himself out of his reverie. He nods his head from side to side. "Well, I'd say depending on how the next week or so goes, maybe quite a lot." He turns to Rose. "Are you ready to go?"

Rose looks startled. "Now?"

The Doctor tugs his ear. "Yeah, now would be good."

Jan, along with the rest of the Dunder Mifflin team, looks stunned. "But Doctor, we've just started –"

"And I'm sure you'll do a bang up job of it. Quite capable people, all of you. Really. Honestly. Great people." He stops. "Rose?"

"I'm supposed to take notes," Rose says.

The Doctor waves a hand. "Eh, Pam can do that."

"Okay." Rose stands as the Doctor does.

"Doctor, I must say this behavior is unprofessional, and, honestly, a bit outrageous," Jan says.

The Doctor's already opening the door to the conference room. "Yeah, probably. We just have a bit more pressing business to attend to. Sorry."

"That's the English, for you," Angela says. "Always want us Americans to get involved and clean up their messes."

Jim looks at her briefly and then bites his lip, clearly trying not to laugh.

The Doctor and Rose start to head from the conference room to the entrance of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. "Doctor, what in the world has gotten into you?"

The Doctor stops mid-stride and bends down, speaking to Rose directly and softly but no less urgently. "Staples. 1986. That's about forty years too early. Which doesn't matter so much. What _does_ matter is that Staples, Inc. is the company of the Stapletondren race from Nuyvcdren in galaxy 4.402.7. It's their way into Earth, so they can enslave the population and eventually sell them off to their own aristocracy as concubines and, well, whatever a male concubine is."

"With what, white out?" Rose asks.

"Well, yes. And paper. And paper clips. Markers. Highlighters. Pens. Everything they sell has a slight veneer of mind-altering dew."

"Seriously?"

"Do I look serious, Rose? If they succeed, huge portions of the Earth's population will be enslaved and shipped off to Nuyvcdren in 2137."

"And what are we going to do about it?"

The Doctor pauses. "I'm not quite sure yet. I was thinking something to do with explosives."

"Oh," Rose nods.

"See? I'm never boring," the Doctor says, smiling.

Rose grins.

They begin walking again, and encounter Pam, who looks on the verge of asking them what's happening.

The Doctor points at her. "I think they're going to need you in there to take notes, Pam. Thanks."

Pam nods, and circles back around her desk to pick up a pad and some paper.

The Doctor hands Rose her coat.

"Oh! Right. Pam!" the Doctor calls, causing Pam to turn around as he slips on his own brown coat.

"Before I forget, if you and Jim are in Venice around, oh, 2010, you might happen to come across a big blue box next to a little gelato stand. Do us a favor and knock, will you?"

Pam looks confused, but nods.

"Fantastic," the Doctor says, and Rose smiles and waves before they head out.

The Doctor presses the button for the elevator. "Pam. Pam Beesley. Jim. Jim Halpert. Pam Beesley Halpert. Becomes famous in the art world for her sketches and watercolors of different housing from all around the world. I knew those names sounded familiar; I just hadn't put them together. Starts with a lovely little house in Venice with a terrace on the second floor that I'd love to show her."

The Doctor looks at Rose and grins. "Jim gets his own inspiration and ends up writing a series of novels with a character who receives faxes from the future that send him on heroic adventures." He pauses. "Jim and Pam. Good people. I just love humans."

The elevator comes, and they step on.

"What's next?" Rose asks.

"Well, I think we're going to go blow up Staples," the Doctor says. "Humanely, of course." He pauses. "I'm thinking another banana grove instead."

"Bananas are good," Rose says, smiling, as the elevator doors shut.


End file.
